Airport Contradictions

Here is a list of contradictions that just make no sense here at the airport. These are rules and standards that have been reviewed, issued, followed, and reviewed again by numerous authorities:

• The ground level of every airport must be handicap accessible. Including wheelchair ramps, handicap bathrooms, and Braille writing on all doors. Despite being in an area where handicapped people are not allowed to work, or able to get to.


• Every motorized piece of equipment must have a guide person when driving towards an aircraft. The only exception is for the fueler and mechanics who drive up to and between the engines, the most important part of the plane.


• While highly encouraged ear plugs and other safety equipment for airport personnel can only be suggested, not required. You have the freedom to go deaf and have avoidable injuries.


• Rain is a natural act where a large area is covered in liquid precipitation. Throwing a bucket of water on the tarmac is a chemical spill and subject environmental protection fines.


• There are luggage bag stores in the sterile area past security. A place where you have to have checked your luggage already.


• When a passenger illegally walked onto the tarmac and into my workplace, my staff told him to go back to the door he came from, and called security. 3 branches of law enforcement responded within seconds and the individual was apprehended. Homeland Security was furious that my did not detain the individual. Airport Security and PD applauded my staff for performing the correct actions, and avoiding a possible hostile confrontation. While it's every airport employee's job to look out for suspicious and unauthorized individuals, it's law enforcements duty to arrest and detain them.


• Some airports have a secondary security check points with Duty Free stores in between checkpoints where they sell you perfume, booze, and other liquids that will have to be confiscated when you go through security.


• The tarmac speed limit ranges from 5 to 15 MPH. Airfield Safety Officers can and do drive 60 - 80 MPH to pull you over for violating it.


• All motorized equipment must have seat belts. Even if they don't have a roof or roll bar. Think about what would happen if the vehicle flips.
  

Another Gem from our HR office...

Here's another typical scene from our HR department that makes me question the future of mankind. Once again the names have been changed to protect the innocent and stupid. What makes this situation especially painful is that it took place over 3 separate phone calls. These conversations were between an HR Rep (H) and an Employee (E)... May god have mercy on your soul!

Phone Call #1:

E: No id cards for my kids!
H: Sorry to hear that. Which kids we need cards for?
E: My kids!
H: Hrmm. Ok. All of your kids?
E: No, just two.
H: Ok, so we still need two medical cards for two of your kids?
E: yes.
H: Please give me the names of the two kids with missing cards.
E: 689-25-
H: Whats that?
E: My social.
H: Hrmm.. can I get the name of the two kids?
E: Ok.
H: Just tell me the names when you’re ready.
E: Ok.
H: I’m here. Just tell me the names and we can figure out what we need to do.
E: Yeah.
H: …

Phone Call #2 (after he remembers what his kids names are):

H: Ok, (Employee Name) – the cards should be coming to you in a day or two – but here are the temporary ID numbers you can use.
E: Ok, thanks.
*Click*
H: (Employee name)? Hello?
*phone starts beeping*

Phone Call #3:

H: (Employee Name)?
E: Yes.
H: I have two ID numbers for those two kids with missing cards. Don’t hang up.
E: Ok, thanks, (someone else's name).
H: Yeah, this is (actual name of HR rep) but don’t worry about it. Here are the numbers. Let me know when ready. You got a pen and paper?
E: Yeah, one second.
H: Cool.
E: Ok.
H: Ready for the id numbers?
E: 689-25-
H: No, I’ll give you the medical ID numbers for your kids. I don’t need your social right now.
E: Ahh! Okok! I’m ready.
H: Here are the numbers…

fin.

I guess common sense isn't so common...

Pardon the pun but this sign on the employee bathroom pisses the crap out of me. Has mankind devolved so far that we can't put two and two together?

For all airport employees that are reading this please pay attention. You there, is this thing on? Seriously, if there is a locked bath room door you really only have two options; A) you wait until someone comes out of there, or B) You try another bathroom.

Is that too hard to understand?

My girlfriend had a similar frustration when she was a barista at a soulless corporate coffee chain that is popular despite their shitty coffee. She'd always complain about some mouth breathing moron that would ask for the key to the bathroom. When she'd tell them there is no key, they'd just stare at her as if their parachute didn't open when they pulled the cord. They wouldn't know what their next step should be. "But... but... it's locked," they'd say like the last life boat left the Titanic. And instead of telling them about their dumb ass, she'd have to grin that fake smile she clocked in with and explain to the lost cause "Oh really? Someone's in there then, they'll be out in a minute." She also didn't have the heart to tell the sweet old lady customers that the reason it's locked for 10 minutes is probably because a homeless guy is in there masturbating and taking a shower in the sink.

I think the best way to sum up the feeling the sign makes me feel every time I pass by it and how my girlfriend felt with those idiots is with a quote from the great Mike Tyson:

“[On his childhood] One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an infantile retard.”

I wish Mike was around to knock some sense into more people.

Convo with a New Hire

Here's a typical scene from our HR department. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and stupid. This conversation is between an HR Rep (H) and a New Hire (N)... Enjoy!

H: Hi.
N: Hi Mr. (HR REP) I want to know my status.
H: You were hired.
N: So what is my status?
H: …(Just realizing what type of conversation this was going to be)
N: I talked with you yesterday..
H: I’m sorry, I was not here yesterday.
N: I talked to (HR MANAGER) and she said to come back on Monday
H: Ok, sounds like a plan.
N: I wanted to know if it was ok to come on Monday?
H: What day did she tell you to come back in?
N: Monday.
H: What day?
N: Monday.
H: This Monday? Yesterday?
N: Yes this Monday I came in.
H:…
N: Mr. (HR REP)?
H: I would advise you follow the information you were given the last time you were here.
N: It said to come on Monday.
H: Then come on Monday. Sounds like a plan.
N: So its ok to come on Monday?
H: Yes.
N: What Monday?
H: What Monday did they tell you to come in?
N: Monday.
H: What is the date they told you come in?
N: They told me yesterday.
H: They told you yesterday what?!
N: They told me yesterday to come in on Monday.
H: THEN COME IN ON MONDAY.

and scene.