The New Hire

Here at the Airport we hire only the best and brightest to run our operations. Like most companies the first step to working at the airport is with an application. From their the hiring / HR departments can weed out the hard workers from the pool of dead beats out there. After the cream of the crop in the applicant pool is selected they are screened in a primary interview to make sure they are who they say they are and understand the English language. If they survive that they move on to the secondary interview, which is about 2 weeks after they applied.

The decision is made after the second interview if said applicant is worthy of employment and the paper work truly begins. Forms upon forms are filled out, finger prints are taken, backgrounds are checked, and rechecked by various different law enforcement / governmental agencies. If everything checks out the applicant is given a badge that will allow them to work at the airport. At which point a month has gone by since the applicant was hired, or about 6-8 weeks after they applied.

With the badge the employee can now begin training, because they're not going to get trained if their background didn't pass clearance. The average new hire has to wait 2 months before actually working their first day on the job, which speaks of their patience and dedication. Companies spend at least $1,500 per new hire to get screened, badged, uniformed, and trained to work at the airport.

And this is the result of all that labor and toil.

After introductions and pleasantries are exchanged here is an actual conversation I had with a new hire:

New Hire- I need Saturdays and Sundays off.

Me- I don’t have a shift that has Saturday and Sunday off… but there are two schedules you can choose from. One with Monday/ Tuesday off or Tuesday / Wednesday off.

New Hire- So when can I start?

Me- Well you can’t… not if you need Saturday/ Sunday off.

New Hire- Oh I can work the shift with Monday/ Tuesday days off.

Me- Oh okay… Our work weeks start on Fridays. Can start Friday the 26^th ?

New Hire- Oh can’t do that… how about Wednesday March 3rd?

Me- Sorry our work weeks start on Fridays. So you can start on March 5^th

New Hire- It’s okay

Me- Alright then… see you on the Fifth (statement not a question.)

New Hire- Oh no I can be here on the 26^th.

At that point I just stayed silent until she left.

The dumbest dog and pony show on Earth

Gather round children as I tell you about the dumbest dog and pony show on earth. Which by the time you're done reading this will have happened dozens of times around the world. A tale that will make you cry, “that’s some bullshit.” And I’ll answer “why yes, yes it is, but it’s still going to go on anyway.”

Ground crews the world over are forced to do something called a "FOD walk" before every arrival and departure of a flight. FOD as you know is an acronym for Foreign Object Debris… which can cause FOD, Foreign Object Damage. Stop and think about this one, why do they use the same acronym for two separate things? So they rhyme? What exactly is a Foreign Object you ask? Exotic goods, Cuban Cigars, alien space craft, or that sweet katana blade in my living room? Wrong all wrong. It’s more like trash, rubbish, refuse, garbage, litter.

FOD, the FODamage one, is some pretty serious business and cost’s airlines millions of dollars a year. When a jet engine is running the intake sucks up a lot of things other than air. Shit like; paper clips, rocks, birds, soda cans, someone not paying attention, candy wrappers, and other trash go in, get shredded up by the turbines, and then shot out the exhaust. Along the way they nick, scratch, and all round damage the engine’s interior. Hence the regular maintenance that must happen every such and such number of hours a plane has been in flight, you didn't think they were just rotating the tires and installing less comfortable seats did you?

Now here’s the stupid dog and pony show part. I’m sure at some point in time you've been on a flight and seen the ground crew walking around aimlessly. They’re looking at the ground and bending over to pick up trash, or pretending to pick up something. Exciting I know, pretty lame show right? You might not know what they’re doing but you think it’s important, or something that their boss would shit a brick if they didn’t do. But it’s all just a show show, and it’s all bullshit.

Ground crews are only allowed to work around the parking spot of a plane at the gate, which is where they perform the FOD dance for anyone that cares to be watching. They are not allowed or suppose to go on the runaway or the taxis way (the road from the runway to the gate). Planes don’t have a reverse gear and need a special tractor to push them away from the gate. When a plane is being pushed away from the gate the engines are running at a low setting to power the in plane equipment and keep the lights on. So there really isn’t any good reason to sweep the area before you leave the gate.

The plane is traveling the slowest it can when it’s approaching the gate, having only enough power to roll up to it's stopped position. The engine is running on it's slowest setting and barely sucks anything in, making a sweep before the arrival not very practical either. The place the engines are working their hardest is on the taxi way, runway, and in the air, which as mentioned the ground crews are not allowed to go out on.

So I guess the moral of the story is that the song and dance for the comfort of airport and aviation suits all over the world which is some bullshit but it’s going to be done anyway.