The Exchange Employee's Visa Is Up

Airports are big exciting places to work that attract people the world over. People are drawn to competitive wages and the mythical jet setting live style. Most companies in international airports will recruit employees from other countries. This is to help bridge the cultural and language gaps with international passengers. Such recruiting practices opens the door to the following conversations such as this one:


EE: My visa will expire.

Me: Sorry to hear that. How can I help you?

EE: I need to stop my wife's health insurance.

Me: Okay, we can do that if we meet specific requirements.

EE: Yeah, my visa will expire so I want to stop her benefits because I
don't want to owe the money for the deductions when I re-new my visa.

Me: What?

EE: Umm...

Me: If you're visa expires, you are no longer an employee...

EE: Yeah, I can't work.

Me: If you are no longer an employee you no longer receive benefits from
the company, and neither would your spouse.

EE: But I just want to stop hers, and keep mine.

Me: Hrmm... The company only offers and maintains benefits for active employees plus
dependents. If you're not longer a part of the work force because your Visa
expires and you are no longer allowed to work in the US, then you are no
longer part of the United States work force or also our companies work
force..

EE: But I was told if I stop working, and then I start working again,
the deductions would all come at one time.

ME: There will be no deductions... b/c you will no longer be an
employee.

EE: but..

At this point the brain shuts down and starts to repeat what was said earlier, whilst looking for new job postings. Ones not at an airport.

The New Hire

Here at the Airport we hire only the best and brightest to run our operations. Like most companies the first step to working at the airport is with an application. From their the hiring / HR departments can weed out the hard workers from the pool of dead beats out there. After the cream of the crop in the applicant pool is selected they are screened in a primary interview to make sure they are who they say they are and understand the English language. If they survive that they move on to the secondary interview, which is about 2 weeks after they applied.

The decision is made after the second interview if said applicant is worthy of employment and the paper work truly begins. Forms upon forms are filled out, finger prints are taken, backgrounds are checked, and rechecked by various different law enforcement / governmental agencies. If everything checks out the applicant is given a badge that will allow them to work at the airport. At which point a month has gone by since the applicant was hired, or about 6-8 weeks after they applied.

With the badge the employee can now begin training, because they're not going to get trained if their background didn't pass clearance. The average new hire has to wait 2 months before actually working their first day on the job, which speaks of their patience and dedication. Companies spend at least $1,500 per new hire to get screened, badged, uniformed, and trained to work at the airport.

And this is the result of all that labor and toil.

After introductions and pleasantries are exchanged here is an actual conversation I had with a new hire:

New Hire- I need Saturdays and Sundays off.

Me- I don’t have a shift that has Saturday and Sunday off… but there are two schedules you can choose from. One with Monday/ Tuesday off or Tuesday / Wednesday off.

New Hire- So when can I start?

Me- Well you can’t… not if you need Saturday/ Sunday off.

New Hire- Oh I can work the shift with Monday/ Tuesday days off.

Me- Oh okay… Our work weeks start on Fridays. Can start Friday the 26^th ?

New Hire- Oh can’t do that… how about Wednesday March 3rd?

Me- Sorry our work weeks start on Fridays. So you can start on March 5^th

New Hire- It’s okay

Me- Alright then… see you on the Fifth (statement not a question.)

New Hire- Oh no I can be here on the 26^th.

At that point I just stayed silent until she left.

The dumbest dog and pony show on Earth

Gather round children as I tell you about the dumbest dog and pony show on earth. Which by the time you're done reading this will have happened dozens of times around the world. A tale that will make you cry, “that’s some bullshit.” And I’ll answer “why yes, yes it is, but it’s still going to go on anyway.”

Ground crews the world over are forced to do something called a "FOD walk" before every arrival and departure of a flight. FOD as you know is an acronym for Foreign Object Debris… which can cause FOD, Foreign Object Damage. Stop and think about this one, why do they use the same acronym for two separate things? So they rhyme? What exactly is a Foreign Object you ask? Exotic goods, Cuban Cigars, alien space craft, or that sweet katana blade in my living room? Wrong all wrong. It’s more like trash, rubbish, refuse, garbage, litter.

FOD, the FODamage one, is some pretty serious business and cost’s airlines millions of dollars a year. When a jet engine is running the intake sucks up a lot of things other than air. Shit like; paper clips, rocks, birds, soda cans, someone not paying attention, candy wrappers, and other trash go in, get shredded up by the turbines, and then shot out the exhaust. Along the way they nick, scratch, and all round damage the engine’s interior. Hence the regular maintenance that must happen every such and such number of hours a plane has been in flight, you didn't think they were just rotating the tires and installing less comfortable seats did you?

Now here’s the stupid dog and pony show part. I’m sure at some point in time you've been on a flight and seen the ground crew walking around aimlessly. They’re looking at the ground and bending over to pick up trash, or pretending to pick up something. Exciting I know, pretty lame show right? You might not know what they’re doing but you think it’s important, or something that their boss would shit a brick if they didn’t do. But it’s all just a show show, and it’s all bullshit.

Ground crews are only allowed to work around the parking spot of a plane at the gate, which is where they perform the FOD dance for anyone that cares to be watching. They are not allowed or suppose to go on the runaway or the taxis way (the road from the runway to the gate). Planes don’t have a reverse gear and need a special tractor to push them away from the gate. When a plane is being pushed away from the gate the engines are running at a low setting to power the in plane equipment and keep the lights on. So there really isn’t any good reason to sweep the area before you leave the gate.

The plane is traveling the slowest it can when it’s approaching the gate, having only enough power to roll up to it's stopped position. The engine is running on it's slowest setting and barely sucks anything in, making a sweep before the arrival not very practical either. The place the engines are working their hardest is on the taxi way, runway, and in the air, which as mentioned the ground crews are not allowed to go out on.

So I guess the moral of the story is that the song and dance for the comfort of airport and aviation suits all over the world which is some bullshit but it’s going to be done anyway.

Airport Contradictions

Here is a list of contradictions that just make no sense here at the airport. These are rules and standards that have been reviewed, issued, followed, and reviewed again by numerous authorities:

• The ground level of every airport must be handicap accessible. Including wheelchair ramps, handicap bathrooms, and Braille writing on all doors. Despite being in an area where handicapped people are not allowed to work, or able to get to.


• Every motorized piece of equipment must have a guide person when driving towards an aircraft. The only exception is for the fueler and mechanics who drive up to and between the engines, the most important part of the plane.


• While highly encouraged ear plugs and other safety equipment for airport personnel can only be suggested, not required. You have the freedom to go deaf and have avoidable injuries.


• Rain is a natural act where a large area is covered in liquid precipitation. Throwing a bucket of water on the tarmac is a chemical spill and subject environmental protection fines.


• There are luggage bag stores in the sterile area past security. A place where you have to have checked your luggage already.


• When a passenger illegally walked onto the tarmac and into my workplace, my staff told him to go back to the door he came from, and called security. 3 branches of law enforcement responded within seconds and the individual was apprehended. Homeland Security was furious that my did not detain the individual. Airport Security and PD applauded my staff for performing the correct actions, and avoiding a possible hostile confrontation. While it's every airport employee's job to look out for suspicious and unauthorized individuals, it's law enforcements duty to arrest and detain them.


• Some airports have a secondary security check points with Duty Free stores in between checkpoints where they sell you perfume, booze, and other liquids that will have to be confiscated when you go through security.


• The tarmac speed limit ranges from 5 to 15 MPH. Airfield Safety Officers can and do drive 60 - 80 MPH to pull you over for violating it.


• All motorized equipment must have seat belts. Even if they don't have a roof or roll bar. Think about what would happen if the vehicle flips.
  

Another Gem from our HR office...

Here's another typical scene from our HR department that makes me question the future of mankind. Once again the names have been changed to protect the innocent and stupid. What makes this situation especially painful is that it took place over 3 separate phone calls. These conversations were between an HR Rep (H) and an Employee (E)... May god have mercy on your soul!

Phone Call #1:

E: No id cards for my kids!
H: Sorry to hear that. Which kids we need cards for?
E: My kids!
H: Hrmm. Ok. All of your kids?
E: No, just two.
H: Ok, so we still need two medical cards for two of your kids?
E: yes.
H: Please give me the names of the two kids with missing cards.
E: 689-25-
H: Whats that?
E: My social.
H: Hrmm.. can I get the name of the two kids?
E: Ok.
H: Just tell me the names when you’re ready.
E: Ok.
H: I’m here. Just tell me the names and we can figure out what we need to do.
E: Yeah.
H: …

Phone Call #2 (after he remembers what his kids names are):

H: Ok, (Employee Name) – the cards should be coming to you in a day or two – but here are the temporary ID numbers you can use.
E: Ok, thanks.
*Click*
H: (Employee name)? Hello?
*phone starts beeping*

Phone Call #3:

H: (Employee Name)?
E: Yes.
H: I have two ID numbers for those two kids with missing cards. Don’t hang up.
E: Ok, thanks, (someone else's name).
H: Yeah, this is (actual name of HR rep) but don’t worry about it. Here are the numbers. Let me know when ready. You got a pen and paper?
E: Yeah, one second.
H: Cool.
E: Ok.
H: Ready for the id numbers?
E: 689-25-
H: No, I’ll give you the medical ID numbers for your kids. I don’t need your social right now.
E: Ahh! Okok! I’m ready.
H: Here are the numbers…

fin.

I guess common sense isn't so common...

Pardon the pun but this sign on the employee bathroom pisses the crap out of me. Has mankind devolved so far that we can't put two and two together?

For all airport employees that are reading this please pay attention. You there, is this thing on? Seriously, if there is a locked bath room door you really only have two options; A) you wait until someone comes out of there, or B) You try another bathroom.

Is that too hard to understand?

My girlfriend had a similar frustration when she was a barista at a soulless corporate coffee chain that is popular despite their shitty coffee. She'd always complain about some mouth breathing moron that would ask for the key to the bathroom. When she'd tell them there is no key, they'd just stare at her as if their parachute didn't open when they pulled the cord. They wouldn't know what their next step should be. "But... but... it's locked," they'd say like the last life boat left the Titanic. And instead of telling them about their dumb ass, she'd have to grin that fake smile she clocked in with and explain to the lost cause "Oh really? Someone's in there then, they'll be out in a minute." She also didn't have the heart to tell the sweet old lady customers that the reason it's locked for 10 minutes is probably because a homeless guy is in there masturbating and taking a shower in the sink.

I think the best way to sum up the feeling the sign makes me feel every time I pass by it and how my girlfriend felt with those idiots is with a quote from the great Mike Tyson:

“[On his childhood] One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like an infantile retard.”

I wish Mike was around to knock some sense into more people.

Convo with a New Hire

Here's a typical scene from our HR department. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and stupid. This conversation is between an HR Rep (H) and a New Hire (N)... Enjoy!

H: Hi.
N: Hi Mr. (HR REP) I want to know my status.
H: You were hired.
N: So what is my status?
H: …(Just realizing what type of conversation this was going to be)
N: I talked with you yesterday..
H: I’m sorry, I was not here yesterday.
N: I talked to (HR MANAGER) and she said to come back on Monday
H: Ok, sounds like a plan.
N: I wanted to know if it was ok to come on Monday?
H: What day did she tell you to come back in?
N: Monday.
H: What day?
N: Monday.
H: This Monday? Yesterday?
N: Yes this Monday I came in.
H:…
N: Mr. (HR REP)?
H: I would advise you follow the information you were given the last time you were here.
N: It said to come on Monday.
H: Then come on Monday. Sounds like a plan.
N: So its ok to come on Monday?
H: Yes.
N: What Monday?
H: What Monday did they tell you to come in?
N: Monday.
H: What is the date they told you come in?
N: They told me yesterday.
H: They told you yesterday what?!
N: They told me yesterday to come in on Monday.
H: THEN COME IN ON MONDAY.

and scene.